First/Last/Simple/Complex

Virginity, Dicks, Whatnot. VERY NSFW.

Dicks are a social construct (much like gender or virginity).

Did I get your attention? I believe that there’s a bit of room for ambiguity in these areas.

Still unpacking so much in the coming days (probably forever womp womp).

(In the meantime, holy shit, this artwork.)

Stick with me, I’ve written about this in the past, but-

This chart is mostly pertinent in intersex diagnoses.

But trans people fall on this continuum, as well as outside of it. I’m not really here to explicitly detail what mine is going to look like or what it looks like currently… but I can tell you that it’s not 0 or VI. We are all just in variant meat suits.

What does it mean, though, when you get a new body part? A new set of experiences. A lot of firsts and lasts. This isn’t my first surgery. And I don’t know if it’ll be my last.

Which reminds me of the time I was someone’s first blowjob (with his new penis, that is.) To see someone experience that for the first time was really cool. To be able to give him that.

I will not call myself a virgin between the time I have surgery and the time I use my new equipment. (And I already have friends who are curious about seeing/ touching/ etc, queer men are unsurprisingly eager about new dicks lol.) But I will cherish each new experience, the ones that are expected and the ones that are unexpected, and even the ones that are annoying, like getting hit in the balls. I won’t know for sure yet, but I’m pretty sure that constructing my junk will hurt more than that.

One of the things I was scared about when choosing the more ambiguous configuration I’ve chosen and not, say, full-size phallo with UL vnectomy and the works, is that I will never be what cis men are, and I therefore will not be everyone’s cup of tea. But even if I did, I wouldn’t. There is no use conforming to a standard that doesn’t suit my genuine wants and needs, especially if it’s impossible for me to do so (at this time).

Not to mention… have you met a cis man who has never been insecure about something to do with his bits? NO. Scalding hot take: I will never have the perfect dick because the perfect dick DOES NOT EXIST. There is only the dick you have and the things you can do to have it be the best that it can be. But don’t put yourself or others at odds, and don’t put yourself or others down.

This is one way you can be sure I’m doing this for me, not for anyone else. Which is scary, and sounds a little selfish and lonely. I am scared that people will be disappointed by my body, but I can realize that even if they are, not everyone will be.

Also… It’s not like I’m universally legible now. Some of my past partners have told me that my body is too complicated to deal with, which is part of the long list of reasons I decenter my body in many encounters. Frankly, fuck that. It’s what I have to work with. Hedwig taught me that, and that show is practically as old as I am.

I will feel more loved if I learn to embrace my imperfect self and grow into it, leaning into vulnerability and confidence. I will feel more loved if I stick by people who accept the body that I feel right in than if I try to cater to chasers in how I look or what acts I do. I will feel more loved if I stop pursuing people who only want cisgender men. I simply can’t be that for them. But I can be myself, at every stage of my journey, and people can meet me where I’m at, and I can do the same for them.