IRL

on blocking/soft blocking/muting and how YOU WILL STILL SEE PEOPLE

Why am I crying over running into a woman I went on three dates with almost 2 years ago?

AM I ACTUALLY CRYING OVER A WOMAN I WENT ON THREE DATES WITH ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO?

Or am I crying that I feel like everyone hates me, and I don’t understand what to do, and I use that person and our interactions as evidence?

Mocking this song momentarily:

Except that she didn’t even block me. She actually still follows me. She actually acknowledged at the time that she’ll still follow me and see me IRL. She just doesn’t want to hang out anymore. She didn’t say why or really explain anything. I can guess or assume, and I wasn’t in love, nor did my heart break. I hated feeling rejected more than anything.

And that is OK for her not to wax poetic. It’s a ME problem now. And she’s not the only one who has quietly quit our interactions or soft-blocked me, and it just kind of sits poorly with me relative to actually confronting things head-on or at least a SOLID BLOCK. In fact, there are people who were WAY bigger parts of my life who quietly quit our relationship, and it makes me sad. even if the block hurts. It’s very CLEAR.

I could block THEM, I suppose, but I’ll still see them.

And I still see people I’ve blocked, or who have blocked me. Or people I don’t like or who don’t like me.

This is human. But I think it’s important because it comes up a lot in trans and queer spaces where seeing each other is inevitable. And I think we don’t know how to exist together IRL anymore.

I experience rejection really strongly and kind of spiral. I take it as a sign that I don’t belong. I don’t think I’m even capable of relationships. I’m pretty sure no one will ever want me around. (I hope I’m wrong).

I’m really hurting about that. And that’s a normal thing to be hurt by. But I hope it’s not true.

And I hope that someday I stop being so fucking miserable.